Parents struggle with what is discipline and how to approach it.   Different parents view discipline differently.  To some parents, discipline means obedience.  To others, discipline means punishment.  How do parents get children to do the things they want them to do?  This seems to be the major problem of discipline.

The answer lies not in the behaviour control techniques but in the parent-child relationship.  If you know your child well and are sensitive to his needs, the ability to get him to behave well will follow naturally because he trusts you and wants to please you.

What is discipline?

Discipline is what we do to encourage good behaviour.  Discipline is everything we put into children that influence how they turn out.  But how do we want our children to turn out? What will our children need from us in order to become the person we hope they will be?  Whatever our ultimate objectives, they must be rooted in helping our children develop inner controls that last a lifetime.  We want to provide a guidance system that will become integrated into the child’s whole personally (Honig, 1991).

Basic principles in parenting that help children learn discipline at home

Becoming the attached parent

Discipline is grounded on a healthy relationship between parent and child.  To know how to discipline your child you must first know your child.  In order to get to know your child you must get attached or connected to your child.  This attachment helps build and strengthen the connection between you and the child which is the foundation for discipline.

As you get to know your child better you know what behaviour to expect.  Children who are connected know what behaviour parents expect as appropriate and make an effort to behave as expected to please their parents.

Parents who are not attached to their child are unsure of what is going on in their child’s mind, may lack confidence in their own disciplinary skills and search for answers to their child’s behaviour from outside experts.  They wander from method to method.  If you and your child are having discipline problems and you feel there is a distance in your relationship, chances are there is a need to get connected.  It is never too late to improve relationship.  It is always easier to discipline when you’re connected earlier.

Know your child

Know your child’s needs and capabilities at all ages.  The age of the child is an important determining factor in deciding how to discipline the child.  As children’s needs are different according to age, parental expectation of behaviour should differ.  Many conflicts arise when parents expect children to think and behave like adults.  We have to understand what behaviour is normal for a child at a particular age.  Parents need to keep expectations for themselves and for children at a reasonable level.

Always consider a child’s needs in our decision-making.  Considering his point of view will also help parents to take charge of him.  Parents must become aware of the child’s interests, concerns, abilities and difficulties faced by him.  Knowing your child will become the key to knowing how to discipline him.

Getting your child to respect you

How do you get your child to respect you and not fear you?  When you are a nurturing parent your child becomes attached to you and trusts you as the consistent caregiver.  Respect for authority is based on trust.  Once your child trusts you to meet his needs he will trust you to set his limits.

Discipline is reciprocal.  When discipline is based on understanding and respecting the feelings of children, a mutual trust is built between the parent and child.  Discipline becomes easier and smoother when parents seek to establish trust and confidence.

 Many conflicts arise when parents

expect children to think and behave

like adults.

Set limits and provide structure

Children need rules and boundaries.  The child should realise that he could explore this far but within the structure of a safe environment (Kostelnik, 1992).  To learn about the environment, children must be energetic and must explore.  Setting the limits and the boundaries is the job of the parents. Children need limits so that they do not feel out of control.  They will keep testing the limits to see if you will uphold them.  Your child must understand your instructions in order to follow them.

Some parents tend to be overly restrictive in the day-to-day movements of the child.  Children of preschool age are usually motivated by their inner desire to move and explore.  Clear; specific and fair rules will help children understand limits and expectations.  Parents also need to be consistent, firm and fair in their rules at all times.

Model discipline

As a parent, you are the first person your child gets to know.  You set the standard for your child’s attitude towards authority and his ability to get along with others.  Part of yourself becomes part of your child.  You need to provide the child with the discipline model.  Your daily habitual way of doing things sets the tone for your child to follow and it becomes his way of doing things.  Teach your child the basics in treating others with dignity and respect by modeling good manners and polite habits at home.

Kathleen Theisen says, “most kids hear

what you say,  some kids do what you

say, but all kids do what you do”.

-          Loomans, 1994

Build self-confidence in your child

You have to find ways to help you child to like himself.  A growing person with positive self-image is easier to discipline.  Children with a good sense of self-worth know how to regulate their behaviours.  This is not so with children with poor self-image.  The child who does not feel right does not act right (Loomans, 1994).  Our approach to discipline should focus primarily on promoting inner well-being in the child from the beginning.

Encourage positive behaviour in your child

Encouragement builds a child and criticisms destroy a child.  The goal of behaviour-shaping is to encourage the acceptable behaviours and to help the child feel positively about himself.  When a child gets encouraging responses to a desirable behaviour, the child is motivated to continue with that behaviour.  We need to be careful as to how and when we want to reinforce behaviour. Most shaping of a child’s behaviour is ‘when-then’ reaction.  Reinforce the child’s behaviour accordingly.  Catch the child when he is being good.  You can either praise the child or reward the child then and there for his good behaviour.  For example, you may want to say this: “I like the way you are sharing the toys with your sister.”  The child soon realizes that ‘when’ I do this ‘then’ this happens and in so doing learns to take responsibility for the consequences of his action.

Develop caring children

One of the most valuable skills you can develop is empathy - the ability to consider another person’s rights and feelings.  Children learn empathy from people who treat them with understanding.  Loomans says, “Practise the art of listening with empathy and communicating with compassion, and let children know that their feelings and needs are important.”

We need to raise children to become sensitive to the needs of other children.  Besides teaching children responsible behaviour towards other people and things, we should also teach them to take responsibility for themselves.

Talk and listen to your child

A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children.  The way you talk to your child teaches your child how to talk to others.  Engage him in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention and to talk to them.

Always address the situation and not the child when a problem arises.  Stay brief when addressing the situation.  Use the one-sentence rule.  The more you talk, the more likely your child becomes ‘parent-deaf’.  Too much talking is a very common mistake when addressing the situation.  Use positive language in your directives.  Negative terms such as ‘don’t’, ‘no’ should be avoided.

Say  what you want,  rather than what you do not want. Use positive terms to lay  out your instructions and rules.   “I want you to walk”  instead of  “I don’t want you to run”; “please speak softly” instead of “don’t shout”.  Positive language reinforces and motivates the child to behave in a positive manner.

Give choices to your children. “Do you want to change into your pyjamas first or listen to the story first?”  Our use of language should be developmentally appropriate.  The younger the child the shorter and simpler your comments should be.  Use “I” messages instead of “you” messages.  It is less threatening and non-accusatory.  Use your voice moderately.  The louder your child yells, the softer you respond.  Let your child ventilates while you interject timely comments, e.g. “I understand”, “Can I help?”  Just being there listening to the child will help calm the child.

Conclusion

In using the above tools of discipline, parents model compassion and patience to children to enable them to build relationships.  By being treated with gentleness and respect, they learn to respect themselves and others.

“Everyday the parent’s approach to discipline can either diminish or enhances a child’s feelings of self-worth” (Thomson, 1994).  We, as parents, can put greater efforts to be the nurturer, facilitator, limit-setter and enforcer to set the stage for positive future development in our young children.  In so doing, we will be raising children whom we genuinely enjoy, who are fun to be around and who will make us proud.  More importantly, our children will be proud of themselves.

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References

1          Honig, A S & Lansburg, T. (1991). The tasks of early childhood: The development of self-control. Daycare and Early Education 19: 21-26.

2            Kostelnik, M J (1992). Building spaces, finding words – Creating the context for positive discipline, Child  Care Information Exchange 87: 34-37.

3            Loomans, D & Loomans, J (1994). Full esteem ahead: 100 ways to build self-esteem in children and adults. CA: HJ Krammer Inc.

4          Stone, J G (1992).  A guide to discipline. NAEYC: Washington DC

5            Thomson J. (1994). Natural childhood. The first practical and holistic guide for parents of the developing child. New York: Simon & Schuster.

6            Wittmer, D S & Hornig, A.S. (1994). Encouraging positive social development in young children. Young children 49: 61-75.

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